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Thursday, October 25, 2012

Missing

I miss my mom most in the little moments. The moments when I want to commiserate life as a mother. When I want to ask about a recipe or share a new one I've found. Sometimes I reach for the phone because one of the kids is being adorable or cranky or confusing. But then I have that moment when I remember and mourn again. Same goes with my father. It's the little moments that make me remember he's gone. Like when the baby does something especially physically strong. I used to call him and tease that Ranger was surely set to be a Marine, because he was so strong so young. His little brother is following the same pattern. But then I remember I can't call dad to tell him his genes are clearly strong (he was not related by blood, but by heart).

I have had dreams of both my parents since losing them.

The dreams are of them healthy and full of life. In the dreams, they are always making plans for something: a trip, a remodeling, a surprise for someone.

Sometimes the dream is a playback of a memory of the times my dad said not to stress the small stuff and it's all small stuff...of my mom brushing my hair back on a younger version of me and whispering words of assurance. Sometimes the dreams feel so real, I can feel the mattress dip with my mom sitting on it. Can feel the intensity in my dad's eyes and the depth of his experience in the pauses between his words.

It's heartbreaking to wake in the darkness and have that feeling - that warm loving hug feeling- vanish.

I still have my step-mom, my brothers and their families, my in-laws, and more importantly my husband and sons.

Still.

It seems surreal to be 32 and have lost my parents.

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