3am

I hear him start to wake and pick him up before he can wake all the way. He nurses hungrily while I play games on my phone. I look at the clock. It's 3am. By 340 he is asleep and I am hungry.

In the kitchen I notice the dishwasher wasn't started. I keep forgetting this crucial step. I eat a yogurt and put the spoon in, add the soap disk and start the dishwasher. I refill the cat's water while I'm there and thinking about it. Put away some toys on my way to the bathroom.

While I brush my teeth, I notice one of Ranger's brushes is out of its designated spot. I put it in its place, finish my bathroom business and crawl into bed.

I arrange myself only to find an attention starved cat licking my nose. I shoo him away- usually he will sleep on our legs but not this time. I pick him up and show him out, close the door, and crawl back into bed. Close my eyes.

The baby wakes with a cry. I look at the clock. It's 415. I change his diaper but he insists he's hungry. I haven't had time to refill. I take him to the kitchen and gather up the formula and bottle. We sit on the couch while he downs another four ounces. I burp him and swaddle him and set him in his carseat to sleep- keeping his head higher while his cold gives him congestion. But he is unhappy. He is not pleased with the crib either. His cries manage to create the refill he wanted before. I pull him into bed with me and let him comfort nurse while I doze.

At six I switch sides. He falls asleep at six thirty. At seven E's alarm sounds. The baby sleeps while we prepare for the day. He sleeps while Ranger gets ready for school, and only wakes when I change his diaper and dress him.

He loathes the carseat and starts to cry before we've left and continues crying the entire ride. Ranger's drop off goes smoothly and the baby and I head to Panera to hang out. He stops crying once I am holding him. And is asleep after some formula.

And yet after all this, my heart is at ease holding him. Whatever else is running around in my mind is brushed away while I watch his chin make reflexive sucking motions and feel the rise and fall of his body as he breathes.