I have been reading.
First I read Anne Bishop's Sebastian followed by Belladonna. I had read all of Anne Bishop's other books. I am not sure why I had not yet read these, but enjoyed them enough to reread them immediately after finishing them.
I read a few samples from authors I haven't read before and discarded those books a few pages in. So I tried non fiction in the form of a book by Micheal John Carley called Asperger's Inside and Out. I read two thirds of that before loosing interest- it is not aimed at me as much as those with Aspergers. I recommend the book very much to those who have it or parents of children who have it.
Then I switched to a book called How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk. I found useful information therein, but wouldn't say the book will become my parenting go to book.
Finally I found a series by Michelle Sagara starting with Cast In Shadow. I have not stopped reading her books (I'm on number four).
All of this reading since the start of February.
I know what this is. When I need an escape, when the world seems to much or my emotions too complicated to deal with head on, I read. It allows me to approach my thoughts slowly and from the side. It is how I process. How I deal.
If someone would have told me, years ago, that looking into my child's eyes, seeing his smile of delight, would be both heart warming and heart wrenching, I would not have understood. But I look down at him giggling or asking for a "bapple, peees" (apple please), and there it is- the conflicting emotions I assume all parents have. He is so precious, such a joy! Followed by and I will one day lose him- he will grow and push me away and live a separate life.
And more frightening, there is the knowledge that life is fragile, unpredictable, and scary. There are more shades of fear than I ever thought possible, when you are a parent. I see how easily he approaches other children, regardless of their age, and he desires to interact with them and right now we've only encountered children willing to let him play follow the leader (his favorite game). But one day his heart will be bruised when he is rejected. It is a soft shade of fear- but there are darker shades that keep us up at night. And yet, we cannot shelter them from every bruise, every harm, every fear- we would be doing them a disservice to even try.
A blogger I read recently wrote elequently:
You love something mortal beyond reason. You will get down on your knees and cower under the stars, praying to the cosmos, “leave them alone, don’t notice them ever; they are mine” and in the next moment you will stand on the tallest mountain screaming at the heavens with burning incense in your hand, “favor them; look at them, look how beautiful they are.”